THE CHURCH OF COOL Latest Headlines
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Best Street Soccer Freestyler.....right now!!!
Take how crazy we get over Streetball, and then ramp that up by about 1000 volts - that's how crazy Street Soccer is, especially in South America (read: Brazil!!) Check the latest hot sh#t:
Batman Dark Knight Teaser and Trailer Buttas!!!
The Dark Knight Returns in less than a year, and we are stoked!! The latest:
Pic of Heath Ledger as The Joker:
And an official trailer has been released:
Instant Asshole of the year candidate
This f#ckin asshole DERRIS SMITH is accused of killing his girlfriend's 18-month old son when the poor little shorty got tired during potty training. The mother, Sasha Glenn says that punk ass Derris repeatedly swung her son like a baseball bat against the wall after being getting frustrated with the boy and his potty training. Cincinnati, not the most progressive place in the world, has decided to try Derris (17 at the time of the murder) as an adult.
And if this sh#t is true, I mean, let's just say, The Church got folk in Ohio dude.....asshole......
Weed can make you crazy....uhhh, no sh#t Sherlock!!!
A new analysis of old data out of London (the bastion of scientific credibility) is suggesting that using marijuana seems to increase the chance of becoming psychotic. The study, paid for by the British Department of Health, is hoping these findings highlight marijuana's long-term effects.
"The available evidence now suggests that cannabis is not as harmless as many people think," said Dr. Stanley Zammit, one of the study's authors and a lecturer in the department of psychological medicine at Cardiff University.
That gurgling and inhaling is the nation of pot smokers (estimated at 20% of young adults say they get high at least once a week!!) collectively sighing and lighting up another J....word....
Ever wanted to learn about BONDAGE? Let us help you, help yourself.....
The good folks at Off The Hook TV and the Suicide Girls give us this brief tutorial.....word.....
Damn Ron Mexico, this isn't lookin good....
Not like we would know, but it's our thought here at The Church that when your co-defendant signs an affidavit and gets scheduled for a plea agreement hearing the morning after you were arraigned, it probably means your f#cked!!
Apparently, Tony Taylor didn't want to wait for trial. Instead, he's copped a plea, and will more than likely turn state's evidence against Mike "Ron Mexico" Vick and "Bad Newz Kennels."
Damn Mike, say it ain't so......
WTF! - Worst Porn Movie Names
Remember that game you used to play to find out what your porno name would be? Like your middle name and street you grew up on, or the one where you mash up the names of tools, verbs and hard objects. (For curiosity, mine is Broderick Gun Hill - boooo!!)
Anyway, we found the worst porno movie names ever - woo-hoo!!
Some highlights:
Yank My Doodle, It’s A Dandy
May the Foreskin Be With You
Great-Grandmas Gone Wild!
Saturday Night Beaver
Moulin Splooge
Butt Sex 4: ExLax Edition
Pickin Scabs
What’s That Smell??
Uhh......word.....
Friday, July 27, 2007
WTF! - College Republican National Convention Buttas....
Features GOP Jr. assholes cheering the war in Iraq, then b#tching out on why they can't serve, Tom DeLay, brainwashed evangelical youth, and a moving interpretive dance by Max Blumenthal. I mean, where else you gonna find this sh#t?
WTF! - Fake Name & Social Security # Generator!!
For all you lowlifes ducking the law and baby mommas, in unison, say "Hallelujah Internet!!"
It is The Church's pleasure to present the Fake Name Generator, another piece of Internet brilliance that creates an entire fake identity! Included are name, address, email, phone number, birthday, mother's maiden name, credit card, and SSN. You can even customize your character's sex and nationality!
Right now, you can call The Church:
Rodrigo Piccio
1187 Calvin Street
Baltimore, MD 21201
Email Address: Rodrigo.Piccio@mailinator.com
Phone: 443-409-6474
Mother's maiden name: Sal
Birthday: December 12, 1964
Visa: 4539 1651 7393 5530
Expires: 9/2008
SSN: 213-14-1252
Dope!!
Bun B's got a blog.....that doesn't suck!!
If your like The Church, you be like, "F#ck celeb blogs, using my hard-earned dick-off time as another promotional vehicle!" Word.....
Which is why my man Bun B's blog (of UGK fame) is so refreshing - he keeps the promos to a minimum and riffs on whatever his sizzurp'd addled mind comes up with.....gotta love that!!
You shouldn't laugh when people fall....(Pt. Deux)
Someone put a hex on the Destiny's Child girls.......fo' real.....
POSTSCRIPT: We at The Church apologize to our loyal readers! Because Beyonce is such a punk with no sense of humor or humility she's had the Sony BMG gestapo confiscate any and all video showing her bust her sh#t!! I liked Jennifer Hudson better anyway uppity b#tch, and we still found one, albeit of shite quality - check it......
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Two Truths and A Lie: A Column of 33.3% Bullshit - By Bobby The Superboy
Hey everybody what’s up? My name is Bobby The Superboy, welcome to my new column, Two Truths and A Lie. The Church of Cool was kind enough to give a degenerate like me a chip, a chair, and chance, so now you have to read my ass. The concept of this column is simple, twice a week I’ll put up a post containing three short-short stories from my Cool-Ass life. Two of them will be so true they could be used as grand jury testimony. The third will be complete bullshit. Your job is to pick out the ringer. Pick out the lie. Call my bitch ass out like you did that fat kid in 7th grade who claimed to have fingered Tracey Beck in the sacristy before mass. Oops, I might be the only one who knows that fat kid. Well soon you’ll know him too, and many, many other weirdos from my past.
My column will post once a week and you will have until the next column’s posting to vote. At that next posting, the previous week’s lie will be revealed.
What will you win? Well to start off nothing, but prizes may be awarded in the future (more on that later) and the more you read now, the better you will know me and my bullshit when those prizes start to be given. What will you gain? An intimate knowledge of yours truly and mi vido loco, some Cool-Ass stories to use as your own and retell to all your little friends at the bars, a sick stomach, a headache, and maybe even a laugh. What will you lose? Your morals, your mind, and maybe even your virginity.
Okay, for this inaugural column we will be focusing on first times. Again, for you glue sniffers, two of these stories are true and one is a lie. So pop your Adderall and concentrate. Then vote.
*A note of interest: The proper names in this column will always be changed to not only respect the innocent, but more importantly, to protect the guilty.
“Long Island Lolita” - Bobby the Superboy - Two Truths and A Lie - VOTE NOW!!
The first time I invited someone I met “online” over to my apartment was in 1997. I was a youngster living in NYC at the time attending film school. She was this little raver chick from Long Island who said she was eighteen (she did not look it when we met though) and attending Hofstra University. We had set it up that we’d meet at Grand Central Station where her train came in and then take the B local up to my place in The Bronx. She’d talked all this crazy sex shit online, and one of the things she’d talked about was wanting to fool around on the train ride, you know, like hand in the lap kind of stuff, but she was so shy for the first half hour we hung out that I doubted she even liked me.
Eventually we get back to my tiny ass studio and because of school I was always working on some student project or another, so I had film equipment everywhere. I think I had something like different cameras in my place at the time. We drank, I was just as hooked on 40oz bottles of Mickey’s then as I am now, I played some records, and we chilled.
The whole time she was acting very interested in the cameras. Like she always had them in her hands, was turning them on and off, and I was showing her how to use them. Then she just busts out and tells me that she has always had something of a camera fetish. A camera fetish? I think. Bitch, you’re like 14! (so far I had avoided bringing up the age thing because in my juvenile ass mind I figured “don’t ask don’t tell” could hold up in court if need be). So she asked me to film her and she did this elaborate, finger in the mouth, good-girl-gone-naughty style strip tease and then masturbated on camera. I barely even had to ask her. She just did it. I destroyed the tape not all that long ago.
“Justin” - Bobby the Superboy - Two Truths and A Lie - VOTE NOW!!
Justin was this kid that lived my block on the east side of St. Paul when I was in junior high. He was one of those kids that nobody ever asked to come out, but he just always seemed to be there for games of ditch and baseball and show up at barbecues and shit like that. You know the kid, every neighborhood has one, he wore hand me downs and always had crusty shit on the sides of his mouth.
He never said a whole lot, and to be honest no one ever really asked him much. Then one day, during the summer before my eighth grade year, my mom asked my brother and I if we had seen him. She told us that he had disappeared. His father, who was the only parent he lived with, called a neighborhood meeting. There were some cops there and all the parents agreed to help him put up posters and do a walking search of all the local wooded areas.
During that search Justin’s body was found in some waist-high weeds at a local nature preserve. This was the first time I’d ever known somebody my age that died. His father didn’t have a funeral though, at least not one that was listed, and my Mom didn’t allow me or my brother to leave our yard for the rest of that summer or fall. As far as I know his killer was never found.
“The World’s Tiniest Woman” - Bobby the Superboy - Two Truths and a Lie - VOTE NOW!!
The Minnesota State Fair takes place near the end of every summer and is one of the largest in the country. I used to always go with my family. My mom loved it. It was a big deal to her but to me it always signified the end of the summer and beginning of the school year, which was something I despised.
I was sixteen and just about to begin my sophomore year at in high school the first time I attended the fair alone, with my friends instead of my mom. I went with a group of five, myself, two other guys, and two girls. We had pint bottles of Hot 100 that one of the guy’s older brothers had bought for us and we got drunk fairly quickly. Mostly we hung around an area of the fair called the midway. This was where all the games and rides were, as well as the carnival like attractions. One of those attractions was a freak show. It took place in a tent and out front of that tent were painted posters of the snake lady, the lobster boy, and other so-called freaks. There was also a barker that stood out front and talked non-stop about the wonders inside.
Now, the freak show was one thing my mom never let me do at the fair. So I had decided even before we got there that I wanted to go, but it was expensive, like seven bucks, and most of my friends didn’t want to waste their money. My friend Heather finally agreed to go with me though, and we paid and entered. Heather was possibly the drunkest of any of us and laughed non stop in the tent as we walked through a maze of not very impressive freaks, who looked very fake. Then we came to the world’s tiniest woman. They had her in small ring with hay on the ground that kind of looked like a kiddie swimming pool. She sat on a tiny chair reading a book and looked mean and old and she refused to interact with anybody as they passed. So I dared Heather to try and steal her. Heather was pretty hardcore, and totally the kind of person who would steal a freak and after some encouragement she grabbed the woman by the shoulders and started to pick her up, but when she did the tiny woman screamed and we got kicked out. I heard recently that Heather is now a hairdresser at Supercuts.
Dope Sh#t - TBG Real Things Summer Hoody!!
TBG just released a new run of limited production hoodies. These dope zip-ups have two layers of jersey in contrasting colors and feature a screen print on the inside back panel as well as TBG’s signature “power fist” embroidered on the left chest. These will be released next week exclusively in Japan, so see the bootleg man for the buttas.......
Simian Drugs - 1952 Dodge (in pink!!)....dope....
If you own this car, f#ck you for being so fly!!
Holla at The Church, we wanna make an offer!!
Get him to kiss you.....hmmm......
Don't know if you know this, woman run this b#tch. So we hate when a lame ass dude can't pick up on the fact that she's staring at you, laughing at your lame ass jokes, and eye-f#cking you to death because, hint hint, she wants you to kiss her fool!! She doesn't actually say it because she doesn't want you to tell all your masturbating friends that she's a slut.
Here's some other ways to keep it subtle ladies....
Did The Church lose money with this f#cker? Now its personal....
If your a hoop head (like we are here at The Church) you have heard about this asshole Tim Donaghy. The FBI is investigating whether Donaghy bet on basketball games over the past two seasons, including ones in which he officiated. According to a law enforcement official, authorities are examining whether the referee made calls to affect the point spread in games on which he or associates had wagered.
We were mildly shocked, as corruption of power and authority for personal game is no new news here at The Church. But then Bobby the Superboy asked the million-dollar question - did Donaghy ref any games we here at The Church lost money on. Well, lo and behold, we found a BIG one!! Let me find out.......see below......
We might have to take this into our own hands......
Did we start a "Thriller" movement?
By now, you have seen the Philippine prisoner "Thriller" routine. Yeah, we love it too. But suddenly Skribe's inbox has been filled with more "Thriller" routines than he can handle!! To quote him, "You found my sh#t." Keep 'em coming......
Like you needed another reason to hit COMIC CON 2007!!
While Comic Con previews today/tonite in San Diego, The Church has found out the Girl Gaming Network will be representing for the headz, signing autographs and busting ass on the Quake beta. F#ck yeah......
Monday, July 23, 2007
Dear Diary - PSAS - Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome
For two years, I thought I was going nuts. I had constant feelings of arousal that wouldn't go away. My whole vagina felt like a pressure cooker about to go off any minute -- but it wouldn't. No matter how much sex I have, or how many times I masturbate in a day -- five, six, seven -- there's never any release. Imagine a constant case of blue balls. You'd think having a constantly excited woman would be a guy's dream, but since they can't really satisfy you, men end up feeling like crap.
Part of the problem is where my "spot" is located. It's about the size of my fist, and it's deep in my vagina, so it can't just be itched. It needs to be filled. One of my friends from the support group has it in her clitoral area, so she can use one of those clip-on toys when she's at work. But none of that stuff works for me. I can't just run into the bathroom. I have to use an internal toy. I know some people with PSAS -- persistent sexual arousal syndrome -- who numb themselves with drugs or ice. But that doesn't work for me. Sometimes I'll leave work for a nooner or grind away a bit on a stool. That doesn't relieve the pressure, but it helps. And there's always the car. Sometimes when I'm driving, the vibration will set off these little spontaneous miniorgasms. Beyond that, it's just become a way of life.
- By Elisabeth Pellegrino, 34, nurse
Yet another candidate for Asshole(s) of the Week....
2 really, really classy b#tches ripped off some poor little girls selling lemonade in Goodyear, Arizona - WTF!
The classy b#tches gave the innocent little girls a $50 bill, leaving a $10 tip and walking away with $38 in change.
If any sees these classy b#tches, throw a f#ckin brick!! You don't rip off kids, even little dumb naive ones living in a town named after a tire company....
Dope Sh#t - Adidas Consortium Series!!
The highly anticipated Adidas Consortium series just hit stores, and so far, they have a winner. Here are 5 of the 33(!!) sneakers available in the series........dope.....
BUSH SUSPENDS 5th AMMENDMENT - and typically, no one says sh#t....
In an as yet un-numbered Executive Order (at least the number isn't published), President Bush has decreed that your property - all of it - can be taken away at the sole discretion of the Secretary of the Treasury at the mere suspicion that you may commit a crime in the future. You can view and read this latest executive donkey-dickin at the White House website.
Thank you Ron Paul for bringing this to The Church's attention.....but we have sh#t on cable to watch and a major Wii tournament to attend.......f#cker.....
Dope Sh#t - Nike SB Air Zoom Tre!!
While we're pretty anti-corporation here at The Church, we will prostitute ourselves and our loved ones for a fly pair of kicks!! Well, Nike did it again (b#tches!), check the Nike SB Air Zoom Tre's, just in time for out annual month of August celebration!! You can find them here for cheap.......dope.......
Adventure Travel to the 5 Deadliest Places in the World
Think you got nuts? Then take a trip to the 5 most environmentally dangerous places on the planet, including Chernobyl (see pic), the "Dominican Chernobyl" and La Oroya......and while your there, check out a dope place for enlightenment - Environmental Graffitti.....word.
Got the girl, but no money? No problem...
We know how it is here at The Church.....its summer time, you found that girl you want to spend the rest of your life with (or at least the rest of the afternoon), but your short on ends. Well, we got you......great list of 20 smooth dates for under $20.......so play it off like you got class instead of being the broke-ass that you are!!
Dope Sh#t - Masterpiece Summer Tees
Some of our favorites this summer, Masterpiece from Japan comes with some late summer flavors for the month of August. Cop 'em now at Big 'Ol Store......
007 Squirrels??? Now why would Iran be so paranoid?
When Skribe found this, I thought he was making it up, but it was reported by the Israel News, and who can question their credibility, right?
So, Iran "arrested" 14 squirrels on charges of espionage - I told you it sounded like bullsh#t....
International Sex Survey 2007
Yeah, you thought you were the man cuz after 7 shots and 12 cosmos, she can't keep her hands off you, but guess again lame - according to a Men's Health International Sex Survey of 40,000 readers, foreign men have sex up to 70 more times a year than you do. So much for her saying ouch before you whip it out, huh?
But we got you covered - we found the tips from around the globe to help you really turn your weekend into a pimpas paradise.....check it......
Dope Sh#t - Make yourself into an Action Figure!!
If you ever had the urge to play with yourself, here's the chance!! For $425 a pop HEROBUILDERS can turn you (or the drunk wanna-be singer chicks Skribe brought back to The Church over the weekend - above) into real-life action figures!! And I thought it couldn't get any better with plastic!!
Dope Sh#t - BAPE Superhero Hoody!!
DC Comics and BAPE team up for this dope baby superhero hoody for the fall, featuring The Flash, Batman, Wonder Woman and Lil' Punk Ass SuperBoy.....nice......
Bless yourself (& friends) - ITunes export buttas....
Ever been sitting around, 4 a.m. in the morning, your face numb and you and your friends are starting to get bored, when you had the great idea of giving someone your entire library of music because you swear that they don't know sh#t about good grooves?
Us too, so we found a way to emancipate your ITunes from Apple's death grip - check it......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
