"Two Truths & A Lie" REVEALED!!! Bobby the Superboy Throws down the gauntlet!!

Hello my public, my ridiculously smart, bullshit detecting public. Well, you handed it to Bobby The Superboy in this, the inaugural week of my column. The answer was story B, the lie was "Justin" and just a little under half of you guessed it right.

Plainly put: I got treated.

How you gonna do a fella like that on week one? Well, I may have a few ideas, anyway it won't be nearly as simple this time around. The new column will be out tomorrow and expect to get your shit handed right back to you. You won't know the lie in this bunch from Lindsay Lohan and a street prostitute. Congrats if you guessed right. You lucky you still got your wallet if you guessed wrong. See you in a day with two more truths and one more lie.

Bobby the Superboy

Two Truths and A Lie: A Column of 33.3% Bullshit - By Bobby The Superboy

Hey everybody what’s up? My name is Bobby The Superboy, welcome to my new column, Two Truths and A Lie. The Church of Cool was kind enough to give a degenerate like me a chip, a chair, and chance, so now you have to read my ass. The concept of this column is simple, twice a week I’ll put up a post containing three short-short stories from my Cool-Ass life. Two of them will be so true they could be used as grand jury testimony. The third will be complete bullshit. Your job is to pick out the ringer. Pick out the lie. Call my bitch ass out like you did that fat kid in 7th grade who claimed to have fingered Tracey Beck in the sacristy before mass. Oops, I might be the only one who knows that fat kid. Well soon you’ll know him too, and many, many other weirdos from my past.

My column will post once a week and you will have until the next column’s posting to vote. At that next posting, the previous week’s lie will be revealed.

What will you win? Well to start off nothing, but prizes may be awarded in the future (more on that later) and the more you read now, the better you will know me and my bullshit when those prizes start to be given. What will you gain? An intimate knowledge of yours truly and mi vido loco, some Cool-Ass stories to use as your own and retell to all your little friends at the bars, a sick stomach, a headache, and maybe even a laugh. What will you lose? Your morals, your mind, and maybe even your virginity.

Okay, for this inaugural column we will be focusing on first times. Again, for you glue sniffers, two of these stories are true and one is a lie. So pop your Adderall and concentrate. Then vote.

*A note of interest: The proper names in this column will always be changed to not only respect the innocent, but more importantly, to protect the guilty.

“Long Island Lolita” - Bobby the Superboy - Two Truths and A Lie - VOTE NOW!!

The first time I invited someone I met “online” over to my apartment was in 1997. I was a youngster living in NYC at the time attending film school. She was this little raver chick from Long Island who said she was eighteen (she did not look it when we met though) and attending Hofstra University. We had set it up that we’d meet at Grand Central Station where her train came in and then take the B local up to my place in The Bronx. She’d talked all this crazy sex shit online, and one of the things she’d talked about was wanting to fool around on the train ride, you know, like hand in the lap kind of stuff, but she was so shy for the first half hour we hung out that I doubted she even liked me.

Eventually we get back to my tiny ass studio and because of school I was always working on some student project or another, so I had film equipment everywhere. I think I had something like different cameras in my place at the time. We drank, I was just as hooked on 40oz bottles of Mickey’s then as I am now, I played some records, and we chilled.

The whole time she was acting very interested in the cameras. Like she always had them in her hands, was turning them on and off, and I was showing her how to use them. Then she just busts out and tells me that she has always had something of a camera fetish. A camera fetish? I think. Bitch, you’re like 14! (so far I had avoided bringing up the age thing because in my juvenile ass mind I figured “don’t ask don’t tell” could hold up in court if need be). So she asked me to film her and she did this elaborate, finger in the mouth, good-girl-gone-naughty style strip tease and then masturbated on camera. I barely even had to ask her. She just did it. I destroyed the tape not all that long ago.

“Justin” - Bobby the Superboy - Two Truths and A Lie - VOTE NOW!!

Justin was this kid that lived my block on the east side of St. Paul when I was in junior high. He was one of those kids that nobody ever asked to come out, but he just always seemed to be there for games of ditch and baseball and show up at barbecues and shit like that. You know the kid, every neighborhood has one, he wore hand me downs and always had crusty shit on the sides of his mouth.

He never said a whole lot, and to be honest no one ever really asked him much. Then one day, during the summer before my eighth grade year, my mom asked my brother and I if we had seen him. She told us that he had disappeared. His father, who was the only parent he lived with, called a neighborhood meeting. There were some cops there and all the parents agreed to help him put up posters and do a walking search of all the local wooded areas.

During that search Justin’s body was found in some waist-high weeds at a local nature preserve. This was the first time I’d ever known somebody my age that died. His father didn’t have a funeral though, at least not one that was listed, and my Mom didn’t allow me or my brother to leave our yard for the rest of that summer or fall. As far as I know his killer was never found.

“The World’s Tiniest Woman” - Bobby the Superboy - Two Truths and a Lie - VOTE NOW!!

The Minnesota State Fair takes place near the end of every summer and is one of the largest in the country. I used to always go with my family. My mom loved it. It was a big deal to her but to me it always signified the end of the summer and beginning of the school year, which was something I despised.

I was sixteen and just about to begin my sophomore year at in high school the first time I attended the fair alone, with my friends instead of my mom. I went with a group of five, myself, two other guys, and two girls. We had pint bottles of Hot 100 that one of the guy’s older brothers had bought for us and we got drunk fairly quickly. Mostly we hung around an area of the fair called the midway. This was where all the games and rides were, as well as the carnival like attractions. One of those attractions was a freak show. It took place in a tent and out front of that tent were painted posters of the snake lady, the lobster boy, and other so-called freaks. There was also a barker that stood out front and talked non-stop about the wonders inside.

Now, the freak show was one thing my mom never let me do at the fair. So I had decided even before we got there that I wanted to go, but it was expensive, like seven bucks, and most of my friends didn’t want to waste their money. My friend Heather finally agreed to go with me though, and we paid and entered. Heather was possibly the drunkest of any of us and laughed non stop in the tent as we walked through a maze of not very impressive freaks, who looked very fake. Then we came to the world’s tiniest woman. They had her in small ring with hay on the ground that kind of looked like a kiddie swimming pool. She sat on a tiny chair reading a book and looked mean and old and she refused to interact with anybody as they passed. So I dared Heather to try and steal her. Heather was pretty hardcore, and totally the kind of person who would steal a freak and after some encouragement she grabbed the woman by the shoulders and started to pick her up, but when she did the tiny woman screamed and we got kicked out. I heard recently that Heather is now a hairdresser at Supercuts.